20260120 - Good news.

They, you, and everyone could ask me a hundred times if I’m a lucky guy. My answer would still be the same. Perhaps I would start doubting myself by the fiftieth time I had answered 'no, I’m not,' but at any moment in my short life, luck always seemed to strike me as minor gains after a huge loss. That is a product of ongoing discontent with myself and years of looking for ways to be defeated just enough. One can rightly say I’m petty and spoiled, but that’s just my luck. You could ask what ‘huge loss’ I’m referring to, and I would have to find my way through words to say something slightly comprehensible. That’s just my luck. Self-doubting is an ugly man’s thing, made for types like ‘Mountain Rivera’ in ‘Requiem for a Heavyweight’ or ‘John Merrick’ in ‘Elephant Man,’ but an international trait in modern days when you have to be good at everything you choose to spend time on. Time has never been so valuable, I guess. Craftsmanship is kind of dead, flexibility and adaptability turned into industry mottos, and there are more tests than ever as we cling to more complex and less error-inducing platforms. This is the world in which I recently found myself feeling lucky, as the semester got close to an end, and I managed to pass a ‘scholarship exam.' Mirroring today’s reality, it was probably the easiest one ever, but also the most competitive in terms of how many people participated. During the required interview for acceptance, although faced with the accomplishment of getting the highest grade, I had a small moment of confrontation where I was forced to be honest. The way I answered one of the questions was wrong, but luckily close enough for the professor’s generous correction. He made me explain my answer, and I did, with the fear of making him regret his benevolence. Things would be different if he were any less kind, and I would certainly be sadder, as I got the highest grade by only a small margin, and any point deduction would steal my chances of being remunerated in the future. The work that accompanies the scholarship is starting to worry me, as I don’t feel capable and sense that my con ability will be put to use, but just like me, most don’t have a clue and are faking too.